DOWNHILL DICTIONARY

Off-piste definitions they'll never teach you at ski school
(from "Skiing: a skier's dictionary", Henry Beard and Roy McKie
 Workman Publ. Co., 1989, New York)

ALP

One of a number of ski mountains in Europe; also a shouted
request for assistance from a British skier on a European
mountain...An appropriate reply is "What's Zermatter?"

AVALANCHE

One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly
frighten timid individuals away from the sport.
See also: BLIZZARD, FRACTURE, FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMIA,
LIFT COLLAPSE.

BINDINGS

Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially
serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots,
sending the skis skittering across the slope where they
trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually
causing the entire slope to be protected from
serious injury.

BONES

There are 206 in the Human Body. No need for dismay,
however: two bones of the middle ear have never
been broken in a skiing accident.

CROSS-COUNTRY SKIING

Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling
technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require
the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds
or queues. It isn't skiing. 
See CROSS-COUNTRY SOMETHING-OR-OTHER.

CROSS-COUNTRY SOMETHING-OR-OTHER

Touring on skis along paths in scenic wilderness,
gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the
hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but
the whispery hiss of the skis slipping
through snow and the muffled tinkle of car
keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep,
wind-sculpted drift.

EXERCISES

A few simple warm-ups to prepare you:
 - Tie a breeze block to each foot with old belts and climb
   a flight of stairs;
 - Sit on the outside of a first-floor window ledge with your
   skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes;
 - Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor;
   then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

GLOVES

Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict
circulation, but not so close-fitting as to allow any
manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from
the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.

GRAVITY

One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers.
The other three are the strong force, which makes the 
bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give
way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead
batteries in expensive ski-resort car parks. See INERTIA.

INERTIA

Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction
or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of
Motion. Goes along with these other physical Laws:
 - Two objects of greatly different mass falling side
   by side will have the same rate of descent, but the
   lighter one will have larger hospital bills;
 - Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it
   drops out of an anorak pocket, don't expect to encounter
   it again in our universe;
 - When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an
   unethical lawyer will immediately appear.

MICROCLIMATES

Weather conditions may vary dramatically over surprisingly
small areas in a mountain environment, and a skier
should always be prepared to adjust. For example, on a
February day when it is minus 4 degrees C (25 F) and windy
at the mountain top, it may be a spring day with heavy
showers under his polo-neck, and icy midnight at his toes.

PREJUMP

Manouevre in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump
just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled
prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish,
can precede it a prescream and a few pregroans.

SHIN

The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from
the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to
where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.

SKI!

A shout to alert people ahead that a ski is coming down
the hill. Another warning to be familiar with is
"AVALANCHE!" - which tells everyone that a hill is
coming down the hill.

SKIER

One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity
to break them.

SKIS

A pair of long, thin, flexible runners that permit a
skier to slide across the snow and into debt.

SLALOM

An event in which skiers run a course marked out with
gates. The word "slalom" means "slope tracks", and it
comes from Norway. So do many other skiing terms,
including "oops" (a fall), "flö" (a bad cold),
"sløpp" (food served at a mountain lunch spot) and
"bjerk" (a show-off).

STANCE

Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly;
your arms straight and covered with goose-pimples;
your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white
and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed
and darting in all directions. Your lips
should be quivering, and you should be
mumbling "Why?"

THOR

Thcandinavian God of acheth and painth.

TRAVERSE

To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two
quick and simple methods of reducing speed.

TREE

The other method.